play yr part

Weezer - The Greatest Man Who Ever Lived (Variations on a Shaker Hymn)

Yo I totally I understand if you guys aren't feeling this song right now. I heard it months ago and only really started to like it now. I found two jobs today, either of which would be awesome, and I was so fucking excited and elated. I rocked out to this shit driving over the bridge from St. Armands. Mostly the "yeah this is what i like" part just kills me.

So, I'm in Sarasota. I think I'll take photos tomorrow - something about the empty campus is so eerie. The room I'm staying in is a little sad, and so am I. I'm keeping busy though, cooking and biking and even making new friends, like Misha's housemates.

And my house is amazing.

"UGK featuring Andre 3000 - Int'l Player's Anthem

yo i have to write a fucking thesis.

i've been having trouble sleeping.



/ Drunk History /

/ nathan's livejournal /

Madeline Adams - Sleeping Dogs

I haven't told either of you about this blog still, I don't know why. Greg is having a party in SRQ friday, and emily, amber, becky and christian are all supposed to be leaving soon. I've gotta ramble.



I barely ever think about Sarah herself anymore, or us together, or me with her, or anything. Which is so empowering. I've told you this. I do think about what I want to say to her the first time I see her. I think about it all the time. I may have narrowed it down to FUCK YOU. how could you? and ihavenothingtosaytoyou.

I have imagined her showing up to a party at my house.
"Are you serious?" I think to myself. You just show up and expect to say hey and pretend things are cool. Get the fuck out of here.
"Get the fuck out."

I seriously think about this all the time and I know it's not healthy.
I also don't like having this hate in my heart. Remember Charles Gayle? Sometimes I worry that losing so many people I've loved, I'm going to somehow become a colder person.

It's hard to complain on blogs and not feel like a little whiner.

paolo, i've been trying to get a hold of you.
i'm glad you liked broken social scene.

i was trying to explain to pam why i have to go to sarasota.

i can't stand being in this town.

these are the google image/maps search results for orange park, florida.

i know that looks kinda bad paolo, but it's so much worse. jordan can vouch for me. those two green areas on the map are golf clubs, and that's the only green shit in town.

it's not just the town. it's my house. it's my room. the bed, the furniture, the pictures on the wall, the carpet, the tacky fan.

and it's my grandparents. i feel bad because i love them and they're so good to me. but just little things annoy me so much. like i had this bottle of sake in my room that sarah had given me for my birthday. when i got back from new york it was in the freezer. and my grandmother found a paper i had written on my floor and made copies. i just feel like i have no privacy, and they're always snooping around in my stuff and i'm always paranoid. especially because i smoke, though they kinda know that without admitting that they know it to themselves. and they just treat me like a child all the time. ugh. i feel like i'm 13, complaining about my parents not understanding me on my livejournal.

did i ever tell you that they used to call me "the democrat" in my history class? it is like every dumb high school kid you met in sarasota times a million.

it just gets under my skin. i can't bring myself to read for my thesis. i wake up at two every day and feel guilty about it. i watch shitty tv and hang out with pam mostly.

The Mountain Goats - Riches and Wonders

Someone Still Loves You Boris Yeltsin - Modern Mystery

i don't know the most honest way to do this. i ran into your blogs on your computers and read them and i'm sorry for that. they were hard to avoid. it was like the third time it had popped up in paolo's url bar. so i looked. and it didn't seem too private at first glance? i still feel guilty.

i was kind of jealous, because i like the idea a lot, and i know i should write more, and also because you are two people who i want to be closer with.

and i was sad because you had abandoned the blogs. and it is a simple way to communicate, and things are always getting too complicated. that is generally true, and it is especially true with you.

///

i miss new york dearly. i miss the basketball most.
do you know that scene in trainspotting where tommy is sad about getting dumped and someone asks him something about it and he pauses and says,
"...mostly i just miss the sex."

well mostly i just miss the basketball.

i was talking to misha about not knowing if loving pam was a good thing. she got a little annoyed with me.
"kerem. loving someone is always a good thing."
"oh yeah!"

there's something beautiful and haunting about watching this very late at night, high, alone.